Sunday, February 14, 2010
♥ insomnia
Maybe One Day.
I'll fall in love.
I'll find my soulmate.
I'll reach my goals.
I'll stop worrying.
I'll finally understand.
I'll do something to change the world.
I'll write a book.
I'll have a dream wedding.
I'll finally be happy.
I'll live life to the fullest.
I'll make new friends.
I'll travel the world.
I'll live in Italy.
I'll take a cross country road trip.
I'll have a baby.
I'll be a great mother and wife.
I'll spread the word of God.
I'll find my calling.
I'll learn from my mistakes.
I'll try my hardest.
Maybe One Day....
2:52 AM
Saturday, February 6, 2010
♥ Confused
I'm confused,
And that scares me,
It always does,
I sit and wonder,
"was that the right thing to say?"
"should I of said something different"
I second guess myself,
I know I make poor decisions,
I just can't seem to stop,
I can't fix things,
That scares me even more,
I need to step up,
Embrace my adulthood,
I just want to run to "mommy"
That scares me the most,
I have a peter pan complex,
I never want to grow up,
But I want my own life,
I'm confused,
I'm sorry I've been this way,
I know I need to change,
"are you confused?"
I know I am,
I want you to know something,
I will change one day,
Can you handle that,
Will we still be friends,
Forever we pledge,
But what's forever?
I'm sorry you felt the need to confront me,
I should grow up,
I should accept responsibility,
I have to work through my nerosis,
I have to stop relying on others,
I have to leave NeverLand,
I can do it,
Right?
I'll be ok,
Just let me know you still support me, otherwise,
I'll turn and walk away,
I know this makes no sense,
But it helps me sort through my mind,
I'm sorry if I've confused you,
But welcome to my life!
And that scares me,
It always does,
I sit and wonder,
"was that the right thing to say?"
"should I of said something different"
I second guess myself,
I know I make poor decisions,
I just can't seem to stop,
I can't fix things,
That scares me even more,
I need to step up,
Embrace my adulthood,
I just want to run to "mommy"
That scares me the most,
I have a peter pan complex,
I never want to grow up,
But I want my own life,
I'm confused,
I'm sorry I've been this way,
I know I need to change,
"are you confused?"
I know I am,
I want you to know something,
I will change one day,
Can you handle that,
Will we still be friends,
Forever we pledge,
But what's forever?
I'm sorry you felt the need to confront me,
I should grow up,
I should accept responsibility,
I have to work through my nerosis,
I have to stop relying on others,
I have to leave NeverLand,
I can do it,
Right?
I'll be ok,
Just let me know you still support me, otherwise,
I'll turn and walk away,
I know this makes no sense,
But it helps me sort through my mind,
I'm sorry if I've confused you,
But welcome to my life!
7:30 AM
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
♥ Stress
The sky is black, a starless night, no moon to shine, pure unadalturated darkness, twisting every shadow into a fright, creeping into my lungs, suffocating, every breath a gasp, casting me into blindness, it seems to press its blankness around me, vieling all my senses. I try to scream but there is no breathe. My ears hear nothing, my eyes behold nothing, i feel frozen in fear and anguish. My thoughts are the only entity left in the black haze. They scare me what they are thinking, i search for hope in my own mind but darkness wont allow it, i search to no avail. How do I escape this crushing bleakness? How do I make everything ok. Numbness starts apon me, dulling my body, limb from limb, it moves through every vien, coursing up to my brain, finally it wins, my thoughts say "this is the end" and then go blank...... Somewhere off in the distance a heart stops beating.
I never realized how crippeling stress. really is. Its horrible. I feel like no matter what i do something terrible is going to happen. I dont know what to do. Ive been home to long, i feel safe in the cacoon of family but when im alone I xant help but to break down, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I need a job, but i dont have a car and my roommate works herself to exhaustion with school as is. I regret that i didnt just try and find a fast food job when i was looking . Maybe i would have one now. I have bills to pay, but no income. I see first hand how screwed our economy is, my family keeps getting hit. My mother, who was helping pay my bills, got laid off, then they were told they had to move. Thankfully they found another place but she still hasnt found a job. I just dont know what is going to happen. But im going back up to my apartment and i kinda dread the uncertainty. I cant fail at this, it not just my life. Thats my one regret in this situation, i jeapordized my best friend. I cant find hope, all i see is darkness, i dont know what to do and im scared. I keep having panic attacks and my nerves are shot, im so sorry i screwed up. I shouldnt of stayed here so long but i couldnt get my license and then i kept getting sick and i know its not an excuse but i just feel so lost now. I want everything to be ok. I want to be able to have hope. At times like this I wish I could have my mothers faith, that God will provide but sometimes its so hard to think that way. Well i just needed to say all this but no one here wants to hear it so heres my blog.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I never realized how crippeling stress. really is. Its horrible. I feel like no matter what i do something terrible is going to happen. I dont know what to do. Ive been home to long, i feel safe in the cacoon of family but when im alone I xant help but to break down, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I need a job, but i dont have a car and my roommate works herself to exhaustion with school as is. I regret that i didnt just try and find a fast food job when i was looking . Maybe i would have one now. I have bills to pay, but no income. I see first hand how screwed our economy is, my family keeps getting hit. My mother, who was helping pay my bills, got laid off, then they were told they had to move. Thankfully they found another place but she still hasnt found a job. I just dont know what is going to happen. But im going back up to my apartment and i kinda dread the uncertainty. I cant fail at this, it not just my life. Thats my one regret in this situation, i jeapordized my best friend. I cant find hope, all i see is darkness, i dont know what to do and im scared. I keep having panic attacks and my nerves are shot, im so sorry i screwed up. I shouldnt of stayed here so long but i couldnt get my license and then i kept getting sick and i know its not an excuse but i just feel so lost now. I want everything to be ok. I want to be able to have hope. At times like this I wish I could have my mothers faith, that God will provide but sometimes its so hard to think that way. Well i just needed to say all this but no one here wants to hear it so heres my blog.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
10:55 AM
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
♥ Maybe it's a sign?
Have you ever wanted something so bad you ache inside?
It could be a relationship, a job, a scholarship, the end of a goal, a role, a place, anything. Something that when you think about it, you get excited and thrilled just to being thinking about it. Well thats how I am when I think about this. I want to go volunteer in New Orleans for the summer. I just feel called to it, idk know why, I just feel like it would be an amazing expirence. I don't know how to arrange it, but I'm looking into it.
It could be a relationship, a job, a scholarship, the end of a goal, a role, a place, anything. Something that when you think about it, you get excited and thrilled just to being thinking about it. Well thats how I am when I think about this. I want to go volunteer in New Orleans for the summer. I just feel called to it, idk know why, I just feel like it would be an amazing expirence. I don't know how to arrange it, but I'm looking into it.
2:46 PM
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
♥ A part of me, I'm missing.
"Count the garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall. Count your life with smiles and not the tears that roll."
I feel like a part of me has never been alive,
that part that knows what love is,
the one that i cant find inside,
I ache for that part of me,
the one that's lost, and hiding,
the part that's afraid of loss, the one afraid of dieing.
I can't understand this feeling I have,
a urn, a disire, a intolerable lust, for a thing I have never gotten,
I don't see how i'm living this life that i am, without a part of me so vital,
I should miss it without it being known.
I lay in bed at night,
not comprehending these tears I cry,
My uncouncious mind weeping
for a chance that will never be mine.
It seems so sad that fate should let me,
be born into this life with that part of me i'm missing,
That I should walk this earth alone,
and see what i am lacking,
No matter what i say or do,
it never stops the searching,
the hope that likes to build inside,
before it too comes crashing.
I've tried so hard to understand,
to cope with such a loss,
to lose oneself before it's known,
seems quite an unfair cost.
I feel like a part of me has never been alive,
that part that knows what love is,
the one that i cant find inside,
I ache for that part of me,
the one that's lost, and hiding,
the part that's afraid of loss, the one afraid of dieing.
I can't understand this feeling I have,
a urn, a disire, a intolerable lust, for a thing I have never gotten,
I don't see how i'm living this life that i am, without a part of me so vital,
I should miss it without it being known.
I lay in bed at night,
not comprehending these tears I cry,
My uncouncious mind weeping
for a chance that will never be mine.
It seems so sad that fate should let me,
be born into this life with that part of me i'm missing,
That I should walk this earth alone,
and see what i am lacking,
No matter what i say or do,
it never stops the searching,
the hope that likes to build inside,
before it too comes crashing.
I've tried so hard to understand,
to cope with such a loss,
to lose oneself before it's known,
seems quite an unfair cost.
2:17 PM
Friday, February 20, 2009
♥ Unexpected
It's funny how things turn out, when your a little kid and you think about the future you never even consider your dreams not coming true. It would of been blasphemy too even think it. When your young the whole world is there for your taking but as each year passes it gets harder and harder to see that. You get so wrapped up in school and practicalities you forget that dream you had and then one day you remember but it's too late. Whyp didn't you just grab it when u had the chance? Why
4:10 PM
Saturday, January 31, 2009
♥ DEPRESSION!
it's like a freakin black hole consuming every single happy thought and feeling you have, leaving all the sadness and anger and helplessness and paranoia and every other bad feeling you have. to were you dont know how you feel anymore whether your really uinhappy or if its the depression. and you just want to curl up and cry, but even that doesnt help. it's a feeling of being trapt in your own mind, and youre unsure of how you feel or whats real. it takes you to a place you feel completely isolated from everyone around you. you sit there in a room of people who love you and you cant reach out, you cant even speak. and maybe you are doing good or you start to feel better and something small upsets you and sends you into a spiral, were you just dont want to feel anymore. Why does this happen. People have told me it's mind over matter and if you just tell your self you are happy then you'll be happy. but i've tried that so many times and it never works. i pretend so much that now when i should of been spending this time finding out who i am, i realize i have no clue. no freakin idea of who i am, what i want, or even how i feel. it's so absurd that someone shouldnt know such things. I find myself just sitting in places staring off into space so lost in my own thoughts that everything around me is a blur, anything could be happening and i wouldnt see it. sometimes i like that feeling, it helps not having to care. but sometimes i need someone there to pull me out of myself and back to reality. i dont have that anymore. and i'm starting to think maybe thats not such a smart thing. my mom asked me not to stay here if i was just getting more depressed but the things that are depressing me arent here they are back home. i dont know what to do. i wish i did but i dont i never do.
7:01 PM
