Saturday, January 31, 2009
♥ DEPRESSION!
it's like a freakin black hole consuming every single happy thought and feeling you have, leaving all the sadness and anger and helplessness and paranoia and every other bad feeling you have. to were you dont know how you feel anymore whether your really uinhappy or if its the depression. and you just want to curl up and cry, but even that doesnt help. it's a feeling of being trapt in your own mind, and youre unsure of how you feel or whats real. it takes you to a place you feel completely isolated from everyone around you. you sit there in a room of people who love you and you cant reach out, you cant even speak. and maybe you are doing good or you start to feel better and something small upsets you and sends you into a spiral, were you just dont want to feel anymore. Why does this happen. People have told me it's mind over matter and if you just tell your self you are happy then you'll be happy. but i've tried that so many times and it never works. i pretend so much that now when i should of been spending this time finding out who i am, i realize i have no clue. no freakin idea of who i am, what i want, or even how i feel. it's so absurd that someone shouldnt know such things. I find myself just sitting in places staring off into space so lost in my own thoughts that everything around me is a blur, anything could be happening and i wouldnt see it. sometimes i like that feeling, it helps not having to care. but sometimes i need someone there to pull me out of myself and back to reality. i dont have that anymore. and i'm starting to think maybe thats not such a smart thing. my mom asked me not to stay here if i was just getting more depressed but the things that are depressing me arent here they are back home. i dont know what to do. i wish i did but i dont i never do.
7:01 PM
