Wednesday, October 21, 2009
♥ Stress
The sky is black, a starless night, no moon to shine, pure unadalturated darkness, twisting every shadow into a fright, creeping into my lungs, suffocating, every breath a gasp, casting me into blindness, it seems to press its blankness around me, vieling all my senses. I try to scream but there is no breathe. My ears hear nothing, my eyes behold nothing, i feel frozen in fear and anguish. My thoughts are the only entity left in the black haze. They scare me what they are thinking, i search for hope in my own mind but darkness wont allow it, i search to no avail. How do I escape this crushing bleakness? How do I make everything ok. Numbness starts apon me, dulling my body, limb from limb, it moves through every vien, coursing up to my brain, finally it wins, my thoughts say "this is the end" and then go blank...... Somewhere off in the distance a heart stops beating.
I never realized how crippeling stress. really is. Its horrible. I feel like no matter what i do something terrible is going to happen. I dont know what to do. Ive been home to long, i feel safe in the cacoon of family but when im alone I xant help but to break down, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I need a job, but i dont have a car and my roommate works herself to exhaustion with school as is. I regret that i didnt just try and find a fast food job when i was looking . Maybe i would have one now. I have bills to pay, but no income. I see first hand how screwed our economy is, my family keeps getting hit. My mother, who was helping pay my bills, got laid off, then they were told they had to move. Thankfully they found another place but she still hasnt found a job. I just dont know what is going to happen. But im going back up to my apartment and i kinda dread the uncertainty. I cant fail at this, it not just my life. Thats my one regret in this situation, i jeapordized my best friend. I cant find hope, all i see is darkness, i dont know what to do and im scared. I keep having panic attacks and my nerves are shot, im so sorry i screwed up. I shouldnt of stayed here so long but i couldnt get my license and then i kept getting sick and i know its not an excuse but i just feel so lost now. I want everything to be ok. I want to be able to have hope. At times like this I wish I could have my mothers faith, that God will provide but sometimes its so hard to think that way. Well i just needed to say all this but no one here wants to hear it so heres my blog.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I never realized how crippeling stress. really is. Its horrible. I feel like no matter what i do something terrible is going to happen. I dont know what to do. Ive been home to long, i feel safe in the cacoon of family but when im alone I xant help but to break down, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I need a job, but i dont have a car and my roommate works herself to exhaustion with school as is. I regret that i didnt just try and find a fast food job when i was looking . Maybe i would have one now. I have bills to pay, but no income. I see first hand how screwed our economy is, my family keeps getting hit. My mother, who was helping pay my bills, got laid off, then they were told they had to move. Thankfully they found another place but she still hasnt found a job. I just dont know what is going to happen. But im going back up to my apartment and i kinda dread the uncertainty. I cant fail at this, it not just my life. Thats my one regret in this situation, i jeapordized my best friend. I cant find hope, all i see is darkness, i dont know what to do and im scared. I keep having panic attacks and my nerves are shot, im so sorry i screwed up. I shouldnt of stayed here so long but i couldnt get my license and then i kept getting sick and i know its not an excuse but i just feel so lost now. I want everything to be ok. I want to be able to have hope. At times like this I wish I could have my mothers faith, that God will provide but sometimes its so hard to think that way. Well i just needed to say all this but no one here wants to hear it so heres my blog.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
10:55 AM
